"HELL-evators"
March 19th,
2009
The word 'Hell-evator'
is a term coined by Matthew (and frequently
used
by George and Lee) to describe a
less-than-adequate elevator in a building where
the trio is performing. The band has been
forced to reckon with a number of these Hell-evators
over the years. When a lift is accommodating, of
a good size, and fast, it usually goes
unnoticed, but when the elevator is a challenge
it can make loading in the equipment in for an
event tedious and stressful.
As members of George Poe Trio Consumer/Safety
team (the GP3CST), we feel it is our duty to report
ridiculously in-effective elevators in the state
of Texas to you. Please review the list of the
top 5 offenders below. "Together we can make
a difference."
#5 -THE
DOWNTOWN AQUARIUM
410 Bagby Street, Houston
Event: Roche
Pharmaceuticals Sales Convention Dinner
Issue:
The service elevator in the back of this
place is so slow that Matthew claimed he believed that it
wasn't an elevator at all, but rather a painting
of an elevator leaned up against the wall in the
hallway.
#4 - THE HOUSTON CLUB
811 Rusk Avenue, Houston
Event: Association
of Women Attorneys Dinner
'08
Issue:
We suspect that this elevator was likely
designed for use by Hobbits or Dwarves - not
humans due to its size limitations. Thanks to the staff of
the Houston Club who were nice enough to loan a push
cart to Lee and George to transport equipment. The problem was that the cart was a
few inches too long to roll into the elevator!
These two actually had to roll the cart up
beside the elevator and then dead lift the cart
+ equipment to fit lengthways in the tiny space.
Both Lee and George's chiropractors vote this
elevator the best for continued businesses.
# 3- MAGGIANO'S RESTAURANT
2019 Post Oak
Boulevard, Houston
Event: 70th
Birthday Party
Issue:
After playing all night out of town for a New
Year's Eve party, then back in Houston early the
next morning, the guys encounter the worst
smelling elevator of all time. George suspects
that the stench came from someone at the
restaurant being sick from too much drink the
night before. Or maybe it was really
stale cheese. Whatever the cause, this elevator
reeked as if Jabba the Hutt himself had thrown
up in it. The odor was so terrible that the trio chose
to lug their equipment up the stairs piece by
piece rather than breathe in the noxious fumes
pouring out of this one.
# 2- MALL OF THE MAINLAND
(Doors)
10000 Emmett F. Lowry
Expressway, Texas City
Event: Seasonal
Music in the Mall
Issue:
Admittedly, this submission is not about the
mall's elevator, but we have to mention it
anyway because it is soooo bad.
The main entrance to the food court of this mall has a series of glass doors. Curiously, each door is slightly different in width. The builders apparently reconciled any mis-measurements made in other parts of the entryway by fudging on the door sizes to make a secure seal. The result is that to the naked eye, the doors are uniform in size, but in reality the flatbed dollies of the mall only fit by going through the 'right' doors. The rightly sized doors ridiculously are not congruent with the doorway directly behind them. So one has to maneuver the flatbed dolly in through the first correct door into a makeshift staging area between the other openings before proceeding to the second bank of doors. To heighten the frenzy, the external doors open inward to the staging area while the second bank of doors swing inward as well. The visual of the guys maneuvering the flatbed dolly is like the image of Buster Keaton carrying a 14ft ladder through a carnival house of mirrors.
Keep in mind that while all of this twisting and turning is being done, patrons of the mall are trying to escape through these same doors. And if that weren't enough: from time to time, some sadistic security guard randomly will lock some of the doors in both banks of doorways. So each visit to the mall is a new game of 'Door Not Door'. The reason it made the list is at the end of a long night navigating through these doors is more frustrating than than entries 3 - 5 combined.
And the winner of the worst elevator GP3 has encountered is:
#1 - LAKESIDE COUNTRY CLUB
100 Wilcrest Drive,
Houston
Event: 50th
Wedding Anniversary
Issue:
The service elevator looked like it was made
during the height of the civil war (by the
losing side at that). As the trio tried to load in for
the anniversary party of a prominent Houston
city leader, the band's equipment got stuck
between the floors twice! (This actually
happened.) Then a member of the wait staff in
the kitchen accused the band of breaking it
(almost bringing the band to fisticuffs). This single
experience was so traumatic that George has
declared to the band's booking agents to add an
extra $150.00 'aggravation fee' to any potential
bids for events at this club.
Gratefully, all of the gigs at the locations mentioned above went well. And as they say, it's all in a day's work. Even so, Lee and George still have dreams of building some kind of Star Trek teleporter machine that will 'beam' their gear directly to the site already set up and in place .
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